Who Says

So I've been busy and haven't had a lot of time to post a blog.  Well nothing exciting has happened to me since the last time I posted.  I've had some bad days lately...like yesterday morning I woke up for school and felt like I gained so much weight.  I felt so disgusting that I didn't even want to move.  I laid in bed forever and all these thoughts we're going through my head.  I finally forced myself to get up and go to school.  I did alright with eating that day, I really had to force myself to eat.  I wish all these thoughts and feelings would just go away.  It pisses me off that I have to fight with food all the time.  Plus I'm so constipated (not to be gross or anything) which makes me feel huge.  All I want to do is take a laxative, I've been so tempted to take one but I know if I take one I will just become addicted again.  My boyfriend who has been supportive told me if I really cared about him I wouldn't go back to my old habits and that if I did go down that path again he couldn't see us making it.  That scares me and I know I have to keep trying.


But on a GOOD note: today has been a pretty good day for me.  I went to the gym this morning, came home and worked on a project (I got 3/4 of it done!), had lunch, went to work, came home and had a sandwich with a few sides and for dessert I had a snack size ice cream sandwich. Now I'm relaxing might do some hw to get ahead....AND the ravens schedule came out yesterday and we're opening against the steelers at home, gonna be a good game hopefully I end up going..def already bleedin' purple RAVENSS!!!(sorry jen, i know you're a steelers fan) My mom won a trip to virginia this waterpark place that we might  go to in june.  She also won a trip to disney we might take during my winter break next year....and what i'm most excited about is going to Mexico in July!!!! I can't waittttt :)


oh and i don't know if you guys heard the song, who says by selena gomez yet...i listen to it every day to help me get through each day. here are some of the lyrics:

You made me insecure
Told me I wasn’t good enough
But who are you to judge


I’m no beauty queen
I’m just beautiful me


You’ve got every right
To a beautiful life
Who says
Who says you’re not perfect
Who says you’re not worth it
Who says you’re the only one that’s hurting
Trust me
That’s the price of beauty
Who says you’re not pretty
Who says you’re not beautiful
Who says

stressed

Finally have a chance to post a blog.  On Saturday when we went out to eat for my cousin's 21st we didn't get seated until 9 pm.  There was so many of us and there was such confusion with the restaurant that we ended up waiting 2 1/2 hours to be seated! I was freaking out because I really hate eating a meal that late at night.  I feel like it just sits in my stomach and I feel disgusting.  But I did order something.  I ordered a house salad it was something I was kinda safe with.  I did eat a little of it which I think is better than eating nothing.  I try to keep telling myself I'm working out and burning a lot of calories so I need to eat.  My body needs energy.

I'm really stressed out at the moment.... theres only 4 weeks left of school and super excited but of course I have so many assignments to get done.  I hate writing papers especially if I don't even understand what I have to write.  Like I don't understand why teachers decide to assign papers and projects the last few weeks of school.  It makes no sense! I'm done with school, I seriously cannot wait for summer.

Oh and I wanted to say I actually ate dinner tonight.  I ate what my mom cooked.  It was my first actual meal in a long time.  I usually just eat a granola bar, yogurt, fruit, or something light for dinner.  My mom let pick out what I wanted to have for dinner and it was very healthy and good! I was very proud of myself.  Hopefully the rest of the week I can continue to eat meals & get a good amount of my school work done!

here we go again...

Today I had a 4 hour class....yes I'm taking a 4 hour class every Saturday morning. I hate it so much, i'm never taking a Saturday class again. Okay so today we are going out tonight to celebrate my cousin's 21st birthday. I'm really excited and I'm looking forward to having a good time. BUT we are going out to eat first ugh.  I really hate going out to eat.  Restaurants have nothing but my fear foods, even the salads scare me.  I went out to eat earlier in the week with my parents and I did pretty good but it was still scary.  I hate eating out at all, I did it once this week and now you're making me do it twice in a week.  I've been stressing all day about it.  I don't want to spoil mine or anybody else's fun because i'm not eating.  I didn't want to eat anything today until we went out, but I did force myself to eat. I know if i don't get anything to eat at the restaurant my mom will start with me and just make a scene. I seriously hate this. Today is def one of my bad days.  I just hope I find something on the menu that I'm okay with eating. I'll post later and tomorrow and post how it went tonight...

hello

So I've been following every one's blog pretty much every day and I decided it would be a good idea for me to start blogging as well :)


First, I wanna update everyone what's been going in my life and how I've been doing because I haven't talked to any of you girls in awhile and left you in the dark with everything.... I did have a relapse with my ED this past summer all the way towards the end of winter....I'll start with one year ago. In may of 2010 I joined a gym with my friend.  I was getting in shape and actually eating well.  I was so proud of myself.  I was enjoying life and embracing it.  At the end of July I went on vacation with my family to Myrtle Beach and my cousin (who is my best friend too) came along too.  I was so excited finally get to relax and be at the beach every day.  During the vacation my cousin wouldn't eat all day.  I was like wtf really?! she claimed she didn't feel good, but she would drink an alcoholic drink? it didn't make sense to me. I know I'm way smaller than her and she will probably never be as small as me, but for some reason I felt like she was going to lose all this weight and I was gonna gain all this weight if I kept eating. To make matters worst I couldn't work out for a whole week.  I couldn't burn any calories and the food was just sitting my stomach.  My mom saw I wasn't eating and I told her straight up if she's not eating then I'm not eating... its not fair. When we got home from vacation I hit the gym immediately and limiting my food intake.  The weight just started coming off until the point I was barely eating anything. I would push myself extremely hard at the gym and then not eat.  I was obsessed with counting calories.  I was so weak I had no energy to even move. My mom made me go back to seeing all my therapists again and they begged me to go back in the hospital but I refused.  I honestly didn't want to get better.  Some people thought I was doing it for attention..um no I wasn't, I hated when someone talked to me about it.  Every time someone talked to me all they ever brought up with my disorder... what did you eat today? please go back into the hospital, you look horrible, etc.  It was the topic of every conversation.  It was pissing me off, I just wanted to scream STFU! leave me alone its my body, I'll do what I want.  My parents were so frustrated with me.  Every day was a fight with them trying to get me to eat. They threaten to take my car away but that still didn't stop me.  Sometimes the fights even turned physical.  I made my mom cry every day.  I remember one night we were arguing because I wouldn't eat when I got right in her face and said "you can't save me so stop trying." It killed me to see her cry, I didn't want to hurt her because she is my biggest supportive.  I even made my 15 year old brother cry at thanksgiving dinner because I wouldn't eat.  He told my mom "even though we fight, i do love her and I'm scared to lose her."  This stupid ED was tearing my family apart.  I couldn't stop the thoughts... like I would be sitting in class and just couldn't concentrate all I could think about was going to the gym and burn as much calories as I could.  Then when I did eat I would feel so guilty and then go take laxatives to get rid of it, if I couldn't go to the gym. I was finally at my breaking point..... my health was in danger that my doctor said I was number 1 on the waiting list to go in the hospital.


I finally decided I needed to get better and get rid of this ED, but I wanted to do it on my own.  I couldn't live like this for the rest of my life. I had no motivation to even live anymore.  I was on my way to the gym one day when I forced myself to turn around and go home.  I cried when I got home and tried everything I could to make the thoughts go away.  I really tried eating but it was extremely hard.  I hated the way I felt after I ate, probably the worst feeling ever... and sometimes I would act on my ED the next day.  It got to the point that I was deprived of food I couldn't stop eating.  I literally felt like I was binging especially on cookies.  I can't even explain how disgusting I felt. I tried so hard to fight the feelings and thoughts.  I would go on the computer and blast my music so loud to get my mind off of what I just ate.  Each day was a nightmare, but it did get easier. 


Things started looking up.  My ex boyfriend who I've had a rough past with, came back into my life and has made me so happy. He eats with me and comforts with me when the ED thoughts start creeping back into my head.  He tells me every day how beautiful I am, and that I have the perfect body.  Has told me that he believes me in me so much that I can beat this disease for good, I've started going back out with friends again, My parents and family are so proud of me, and I'm doing well in school... I even made the presidents list! I still have my bad days when food is my enemy.  I'll wait as long as I can before I can eat, its still hard for me to eat certain foods (its really hard for me to eat balanced meals), and going out to eat is still a challenge. I know its gonna be a long road for my recovery, but I hope one day I will finally be free of this awful disease. 


Sorry it was really long, but I felt the need to update everyone and I hope all of you are doing well and keep fighting! & I hope this didn't trigger anyone at all! But I will continue to post every day :)